The Joke Thread
Was at the airport earlier and a woman,fainted, landed on the baggage carousel..
No probs, she came round slowly......
No probs, she came round slowly......
I love watching little children running and screaming, playing hide and seek in the playground.
They don't know I'm using blanks..
They don't know I'm using blanks..
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Happyhooker
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My new favourite bad joke
Instead of reading, I've started ripping the pages out of books and brewing them with water. The ink creates a hallucogenic drink which makes me able to live as the characters.
It's pretty cool, but the novel tea soon wears off.
Instead of reading, I've started ripping the pages out of books and brewing them with water. The ink creates a hallucogenic drink which makes me able to live as the characters.
It's pretty cool, but the novel tea soon wears off.
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tabascoboy
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Spent hours grilling a chicken yesterday, bastard still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road
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tabascoboy
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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you". "OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
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tabascoboy
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That gave me a chuckleNiegs wrote: Sun May 21, 2023 4:36 pm So many dour feckers in the comments saying it's not funny, but I've laughed each of the five times I've listened to this!
I just crashed out of the first round of The Full Erection Competition...
...But I did make the semi finals
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tabascoboy
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A woman walks into a butcher's just before closing and asks, "Do you still have chicken?"
The butcher opens his deep freezer, takes out the only chicken left and puts it on the scale, and it weighed 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scale and asked, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one?"
The butcher puts his only chicken back into the freezer, and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scale; he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan and the scale now showed 2 kg
"That's wonderful," said the woman. "I'll take both chickens, please!"
The butcher opens his deep freezer, takes out the only chicken left and puts it on the scale, and it weighed 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scale and asked, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one?"
The butcher puts his only chicken back into the freezer, and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scale; he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan and the scale now showed 2 kg
"That's wonderful," said the woman. "I'll take both chickens, please!"
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tabascoboy
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Just saw a TV in a store with a sticker “Built In Wi-Fi”
That's really exact, most just say Made in China
ngl works better verbally
That's really exact, most just say Made in China
ngl works better verbally
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Insane_Homer
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I went to a Placebo concert last night. Had no effect on me whatsoever.
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
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S/Lt_Phillips
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The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Left hand down a bit
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Insane_Homer
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“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
What does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
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S/Lt_Phillips
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Yes indeed, if you're from Dundee. I guess it's only funny to the Scots...Grandpa wrote: Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:42 pmWhat does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Left hand down a bit
It's funny now I get it...S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Thu Aug 31, 2023 7:24 amYes indeed, if you're from Dundee. I guess it's only funny to the Scots...Grandpa wrote: Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:42 pmWhat does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Wilhelm Reich (the inventor of the orgone accumulator) was an interesting, if rather odd, character. He was an Austrian doctor and psychoanalyst, and a follower of Freud. He wrote several influential books, including The Function of the Orgasm (1927) and The Mass Psychology of Fascism (1933). He also established the first sexual advisory clinics in Vienna in the 1930s. His interest in orgasms led to him coining the phrase "orgone energy"—from "orgasm" and "organism"—for the notion of life energy.
Orgone accumulators were actually modified Faraday cages which he claimed would help to concentrate orgone energy. After visiting Albert Einstein he persuaded Einstein to carry out tests on the orgone accumulator, although Einstein concluded that changes in temperature observed in the accumulator were due to the temperature gradient inside the room rather than a concentration of 'orgone energy'.
He was the subject of the 1971 film W.R.: Mysteries of the Organism directed by Dusan Makavejev, which was notorious at the time, and often banned or cut by censors because of its explicit sexual content.
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tabascoboy
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Christmas joke:
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
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Insane_Homer
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“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5506
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
Olaf the Viking is shopping in the supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf "Oh" sobs the lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets" "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her on to his back "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in her basket. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting for her with the wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are." Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," said her husband "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf "Oh" sobs the lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets" "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her on to his back "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in her basket. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting for her with the wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are." Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," said her husband "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
I love watching little children running and screaming, playing hide and seek in the playground.
They don't know I'm using blanks..
They don't know I'm using blanks..