NPR

I appreciate I may have been a bit of a snappy twat for the last week, sorry. Not been an easy time, my mum died last Monday.

She ws 92,had a fab life, didn't suffer badly, loved her grandkids, all was good.

I sat with her in the hospital overnight before she died it felt good doing that.

I'm not sure how to feel if I'm honest. Fabulous life, she was loved by so many people, she didn't suffer, she was independent until shortly before her death.

I'm happy for her life, sorry that she's gone and happy she didn't waste away in a home.

Sorry, I needed to throw this out. This happens to all of us but it doesn't make it easier individually

Deepest sympathies Biffer.

No need to apologize for being human; we all go thru it, & it's difficult time, but you're doing the right thing, & focusing on a great life lived, & all those positive memories. Your Mother loved you & was proud of you.

Really sorry to hear this mate.

It doesn’t matter how or when it happens, it still fucking stings. Sincere condolences to you and your family, it sounds like she did a terrific job.

No worries Biff. Many of us have been there too and it’s hard. Condolences.

Condolences Biffer...

it's a strangely confusing thing to go through. You think you're prepared and find out how you couldn't be, not for this. Take it easy on yourself mate. Yourself, and the family.

Condolences, biff.

You are blessed to have been able to share those last few hours with her. It doesn't remove the pain of your loss.

Sorry for your loss, Biffer. I'm glad your mum didn't suffer, and that you got to spend that precious time with her at the end. Even in the face of the inevitable, imho you can never really be ready.

Kia kaha.

Eish!
Take it easy.

Much sympathy Biffer, to you and your family.

It's a positive that you got to spend time with your mum before she died, but I'm sure that doesn't make it any less painful.

Sorry to hear that Biff.

Sounds like you had a great relationship with your mum. Makes it tougher to deal with. I lost my dad just over a year back, and it was hard to think I wouldn’t be having those little chats on the phone anymore.

Not noticed any difference in your posting, tbh.

Condolences to you and family.

Sorry for your loss, man.

Condolences Biffer.

Condolences Biffer.

Sincere apologies for having a go at you.

Condolences Biff. Most of us have been or will be where you are now and it's not easy. Sounds like she led a grand life mind you.

Sorry for your loss mate.
That's a good innings.

Sorry to hear and condolences
Great innings by the sounds

Condolences Biffer.

I lost my Dad a few years ago and even when it's something you are expecting, it's not easy.

Condolences Biffer. Not looking forward to my mum going. Will hit me hard. Spent a lot of time with her the past 7 years.

Sorry to hear this Biffer, all the best

Thanks for the good wishes, much appreciated.

Condolences.

Lost my mum in May 2012 and although it was a mercy and we were all relieved her suffering was over, I think it was the finality of it that still hit hard.

Sorry to hear mate. Glad she had a long happy life and most importantly you were there with her.

I didn't make it back in time when my dad went, still stings.

Sorry for your loss Biffer - it sounds as though your mum was quite lucid till the end. I can remember the same with my mum and it was great chatting about old times right up till the end. Sounds like a great life well lived.

Unfortunately my sister died 3 weeks ago and hers was a very messy end. Dementia is such a prick of a disease and I know which ending I would hope for in the end.

Enzedder wrote: Mon May 08, 2023 11:49 pmUnfortunately my sister died 3 weeks ago and hers was a very messy end. Dementia is such a prick of a disease and I know which ending I would hope for in the end.

Condolences, mate. Dementia is indeed terrible, for everyone concerned.

Biffer wrote: Sat May 06, 2023 8:58 pm I appreciate I may have been a bit of a snappy twat for the last week, sorry. Not been an easy time, my mum died last Monday.

She ws 92,had a fab life, didn't suffer badly, loved her grandkids, all was good.

I sat with her in the hospital overnight before she died it felt good doing that.

I'm not sure how to feel if I'm honest. Fabulous life, she was loved by so many people, she didn't suffer, she was independent until shortly before her death.

I'm happy for her life, sorry that she's gone and happy she didn't waste away in a home.

Sorry, I needed to throw this out. This happens to all of us but it doesn't make it easier individually

Sorry for your loss pal. Glad you got to spend the last few hours with her and that she didn't suffer.

I am sure she had a life well lived in her 92 years.

Best wishes to you and yours.

Enzedder wrote: Mon May 08, 2023 11:49 pm Sorry for your loss Biffer - it sounds as though your mum was quite lucid till the end. I can remember the same with my mum and it was great chatting about old times right up till the end. Sounds like a great life well lived.

Unfortunately my sister died 3 weeks ago and hers was a very messy end. Dementia is such a prick of a disease and I know which ending I would hope for in the end.

Dad endured a series of strokes that induced dementia... he stayed at home until he was simply unmanageable for Mum and we had to put him onto care. I visited from WA a number of times during the whole ordeal so his decline was particularly stark for me each time. It was just bloody brutal and his passing was a release for everyone, sad to say.

Mum had cancer... melanoma that ate away her nose before invading her jaw. I was on limited duties at work due to injury and could take extended leave... I home cared her for the last few months of her life. After over 30 years of living as far away as I could get, those precious weeks spent with her in a sort of grotesque waiting room were profound. I came away from that with a deeply enriched respect for her courage and humour... a far cry from the younger me and my distaste for all things parents. I needed to have a second operation and time was limited before the end of the year closed the theatre when the cancer finally won the battle and she could no longer take the meds orally due to the size of the tumour shutting down her throat passage. She had to have a morphine pump fitted and that meant going into care. I got her settled and had to bid farewell... I had two days' grace to get to Perth and have the operation. We'd all talked it over and there was unanimous agreement about me going. I had to say goodbye knowing I wouldn't be back. We'd already met with her funeral director of choice, we'd completed all of the things. Wracked with guilt though, I made my farewell visit... and she closed it off saying 'nigh night dear' chuckling as she did so.

There is no 'fair play'. There's no choosing the terms. You take what you get and do the best you can with it. Sometimes, that is good enough. I hope I can make a similar fist of it when it comes my way.

Dad endured a series of strokes that induced dementia... he stayed at home until he was simply unmanageable for Mum and we had to put him onto care. I visited from WA a number of times during the whole ordeal so his decline was particularly stark for me each time. It was just bloody brutal and his passing was a release for everyone, sad to say.

In the middle of this at the moment. Well, hopefully the endgame. It's not living, is it? Looking forward to being able to properly mourn.

Really sorry to hear that Biffer. All the best.

Sorry to hear Biff. Your Mum had a good innings. May she RIP.

Thanks for sharing it with us.

CM11 wrote: Tue May 09, 2023 8:40 am

Dad endured a series of strokes that induced dementia... he stayed at home until he was simply unmanageable for Mum and we had to put him onto care. I visited from WA a number of times during the whole ordeal so his decline was particularly stark for me each time. It was just bloody brutal and his passing was a release for everyone, sad to say.

In the middle of this at the moment. Well, hopefully the endgame. It's not living, is it? Looking forward to being able to properly mourn.

Any form of dementia related illness robs the lives of everyone involved. It reduces everyone... it's the most soul destroying end I can imagine and the cruelty of it is, the afflicted have no idea. It's the survivors who carry the burden. I hate it.

Guy Smiley wrote: Tue May 09, 2023 9:15 am

CM11 wrote: Tue May 09, 2023 8:40 am

Dad endured a series of strokes that induced dementia... he stayed at home until he was simply unmanageable for Mum and we had to put him onto care. I visited from WA a number of times during the whole ordeal so his decline was particularly stark for me each time. It was just bloody brutal and his passing was a release for everyone, sad to say.

In the middle of this at the moment. Well, hopefully the endgame. It's not living, is it? Looking forward to being able to properly mourn.

Any form of dementia related illness robs the lives of everyone involved. It reduces everyone... it's the most soul destroying end I can imagine and the cruelty of it is, the afflicted have no idea. It's the survivors who carry the burden. I hate it.

Agreed.

I felt the same, after my mum died, last year..I wasn't truly heart broken as I thought I would be..at the time as I had spent much of the last decade previously looking after her, there wasn't a feeling of "well I wish I did this or that".
I did everything I could (to a rediculous, super commited degree).
The funeral delays and generally that time for 6 months was hectic (they basically fucked up at the Grange hospital and there was a inquest of sorts). Any delays to the funeral are murderous. Cruel. You just want it over with. When they refuse to release the death certificate (that the Funeral Director needs) and you are desperate to just crack on, for the sake of your family etc..and feel useless, as the weeks go by, it is shockingly frustrating.

Started to feel weighed down with the grief a lot more lately and she appears in my dreams often now, as she loved this weather, planting flowers and the garden, and I miss the backhanded compliments on my terrible gardening skills.


Anyway sorry for your loss.

My advice to anyone, if there is a inquest and a delay to the funeral, make sure the funeral director is completely up to speed and refreshed with your wishes.

They WILL wing it on the day.. they WILL lose your wishes (that they jot down) the girl funeral director WILL go off on maternity leave and leave you to her collegues.., if there is a long time between your meeting and the funeral, all the bad shit will happen.

It is up to you to prevent it.

We ended up with a Baptist Minister (Mum was Church of England), the notices around town were her first name (which she never used and litterally no one knew her by), they even asked me whilst I was escorting mums coffin whether the curtains should be closed and we honestly (10 weeks after the funeral) started to think they dumped the ashes behind the funeral home, in the garden there.

I still suspect they did, and the ashes were a burnt log, they burnt after we asked where they were.

So any delays to funeral, ask for another meeting.

Funeral directors appear so professional and like they know what they are doing, just make sure they do a couple of days before.