A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and general bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
The Joke Thread
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Happyhooker
- Posts: 796
- Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:09 pm
Bloody hell, I've been telling that joke for over 30 yearsEnzedder wrote: Mon Aug 02, 2021 6:59 am A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.
Sammy Snail saved his money and bought a little sports car. He was so proud of it. Even customized it with a big S on both doors and the bonnet.
Driving around he pulled up to a stop light next to a pair of rabbits in a Corvette, whose driver revved his engine. Sammy responded by revving his own car.
The light changed and Sammy took off like a rocket.
The rabbit driver turned to his passenger and said, "Wow! Did you see that S car go?"
Driving around he pulled up to a stop light next to a pair of rabbits in a Corvette, whose driver revved his engine. Sammy responded by revving his own car.
The light changed and Sammy took off like a rocket.
The rabbit driver turned to his passenger and said, "Wow! Did you see that S car go?"
Getting a Vet bill for a Lab report & Cat scan for £150 - now that's a real jokeThe Druid wrote: Thu Sep 02, 2021 7:41 pm A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.
Lager & Lime - we don't do cocktails
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of assorted sweets.
Then the Off-Licence owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy.”
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of assorted sweets.
Then the Off-Licence owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy.”
I drink and I forget things.
My mates new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as he was on his way to see his parents last night, so he called them up and said "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Steve" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"
"Oh Steve" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"
Niegs wrote: Sun Oct 24, 2021 11:46 pm My mates new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as he was on his way to see his parents last night, so he called them up and said "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Steve" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"
Shamelessly nicked from PR (nod to danny fitz - and also Saint of this parish, as Search reveals he was a tad too clever, and his reference in the English Rugby Thread went unapplauded)..
The Enya 1st XV are a bit pissed off with their next three fixtures...
The Enya 1st XV are a bit pissed off with their next three fixtures...
Spoiler
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Niegs wrote: Wed Oct 27, 2021 5:50 pm Nicked from the football lads. This took me a minute, but ...
"I really can't believe the rudeness of the people working the suppository helpline!"
Going to pinch thatI drink and I forget things.
Crazy Artie decides to rob his local Sainsbury’s. He goes in and hangs around the check-outs. When one of the tills opens he makes a grab for the money. But the till snaps shut and all he gets is a pound coin.
The cashier tries to grab Artie to stop him getting away. So he strangles her in a frenzy, drops her dead body to the floor and runs for the door. Before Artie can get out, a security guard blocks his way. So Artie strangles him to death as well and then bolts. He runs straight into two policemen who arrest him.
Next day in the local paper the headline said:
“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY’S”
The cashier tries to grab Artie to stop him getting away. So he strangles her in a frenzy, drops her dead body to the floor and runs for the door. Before Artie can get out, a security guard blocks his way. So Artie strangles him to death as well and then bolts. He runs straight into two policemen who arrest him.
Next day in the local paper the headline said:
“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY’S”
A young man named John received a parrot as a birthday gift:
Unfortunately the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example but nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
And, the bird yelled back.
John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Eventually, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the fridge freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet.
Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said.
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued....:
"May I ask ……. what did the chicken do ?"
Unfortunately the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example but nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
And, the bird yelled back.
John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Eventually, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the fridge freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet.
Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said.
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued....:
"May I ask ……. what did the chicken do ?"
I drink and I forget things.
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5507
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
A Stockton lad is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Lad: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Lad: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Lad: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Lad: I may be mental Chris but I'm no grass.
Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Lad: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Lad: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Lad: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Lad: I may be mental Chris but I'm no grass.
I drink and I forget things.
An oldie but a goodie
From The Rolls Royce Staff Magazine
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
I drink and I forget things.
A couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, " £100.?
He replies, "All I've got is thirty quid."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty quid" ??
"Only a hand job," the husband replied.
She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and so she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy (much bigger than her husband's).
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "Hang on, I'll be right back.."
She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70?"
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, " £100.?
He replies, "All I've got is thirty quid."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty quid" ??
"Only a hand job," the husband replied.
She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and so she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy (much bigger than her husband's).
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "Hang on, I'll be right back.."
She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70?"
Courtesy of Simon Mayo:
This guy decides to play a practical joke on his wife and buys her a glue stick instead of lipstick.
She must have been really upset because she didn't speak to him for a week.
Then she decides to get him back and glue his deck of playing cards together.
So he left her because he just couldn't deal with it anymore
This guy decides to play a practical joke on his wife and buys her a glue stick instead of lipstick.
She must have been really upset because she didn't speak to him for a week.
Then she decides to get him back and glue his deck of playing cards together.
So he left her because he just couldn't deal with it anymore
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls.
I drink and I forget things.
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel....
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (Gin and Tonic, cucumber sandwiches Etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You simply must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is absolutely boundless"
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new Commanding Officer, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall, and covered in huge ugly warts.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new Commanding Officer all about yourself, there's a good chap"
"Well, Sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the Regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..............."
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the Commanding Officer can find all that out for himself from your file....
"Tell him about that day you told the witch doctor to get fucked"
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (Gin and Tonic, cucumber sandwiches Etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You simply must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is absolutely boundless"
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new Commanding Officer, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall, and covered in huge ugly warts.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new Commanding Officer all about yourself, there's a good chap"
"Well, Sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the Regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..............."
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the Commanding Officer can find all that out for himself from your file....
"Tell him about that day you told the witch doctor to get fucked"