Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the
front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is
the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole
time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
The Joke Thread
Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places – he told me to stop going to those places.
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.
Two fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals. She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?! Well, he got 12 months!
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places – he told me to stop going to those places.
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.
Two fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals. She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?! Well, he got 12 months!
I drink and I forget things.
Heard a good one in an interview with a woman who grew up in East Germany...
Man goes to buy a car and State mandated car dealer says, 'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man agrees to buy the car, paying in advance. Just before he leaves he asks the dealer, 'Do I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
The dealer responds, 'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning'.
Man goes to buy a car and State mandated car dealer says, 'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man agrees to buy the car, paying in advance. Just before he leaves he asks the dealer, 'Do I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
The dealer responds, 'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning'.
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 6815
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."
I asked "Are you single?"
.
.
.
She replied "I'm a dentist."
I asked "Are you single?"
.
.
.
She replied "I'm a dentist."
Just had my prostate exam, after the Dr left a few minutes later the nurse came in and said the three words that filled me full of dread..."Who was that?"...
I love watching little children running and screaming, playing hide and seek in the playground.
They don't know I'm using blanks..
They don't know I'm using blanks..
Dread? I'd be excited... so the nurse gets to do it too!TB63 wrote: Fri Oct 04, 2024 3:04 pm Just had my prostate exam, after the Dr left a few minutes later the nurse came in and said the three words that filled me full of dread..."Who was that?"...
An entrepreneur in the Middle East hast started recycling land mines into prayer mats..
Prophets are going through the roof...
Prophets are going through the roof...
I love watching little children running and screaming, playing hide and seek in the playground.
They don't know I'm using blanks..
They don't know I'm using blanks..
In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.
On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.
The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments. John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.
Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.
The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments. John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.
Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
I drink and I forget things.
Marylandolorian wrote: Wed Mar 26, 2025 11:21 am A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, she asked, "I do?"
“Sure," her dad said, "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy?"
Sandstorm wrote: Wed Mar 26, 2025 11:25 amMarylandolorian wrote: Wed Mar 26, 2025 11:21 am A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"
Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"
Confused, she asked, "I do?"
“Sure," her dad said, "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"
The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy?"
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 6815
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
Dad joke time
Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented? Because they spent too much time on the negatives.
Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented? Because they spent too much time on the negatives.
